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Canada Goose Parka Woke up in tears again today. Mind is racing to the point of no return by now. The fact that he can’t understand that about me canada goose outlet http://www.canadagoosecanadaoutlet.com online uk is making canada goose kensington parka uk me question everything. Canada Goose Parka

Little known fact. canada goose parka uk I haven’t been touched in over 6 months. The psychological warfare that takes over when I am reminded of that fact is excruciating. And I am reminded of it Every. Single. Day.

We are approaching the 2 year anniversary and we haven’t touched each other intimately in over 6 months. And the only person who brings it up is me. And the only explanation I get is “stress”, “tired”, “not a big deal”.

Fuck that. It is a HUGE deal! Writing these words is sending me into a canada goose outlet store uk tailspin. Why, doesn’t he find me attractive? Of course he must not, I find myself at the height of my weight gain and with a tragic haircut. I do not find myself attractive, so why should he? This is what my mind tells me and then I unravel. Why doesn’t he ever bring it up, at least to let me know he’s thinking of me in that way? That, I guess, is what sets me off on this bawling spree. That he doesn’t even think about it, so it doesn’t bother him. I watch him get ready in the morning and at canada goose outlet night. But I feel like canada goose shop uk he looks the other way (at least that is what my mind is telling me).

Canada Goose sale Why would my mind want to torture me like this? Then, why wouldn’t he want to help me when I am in this pain? He finds it “ridiculous” that I cry. He doesn’t understand where I’m canada goose outlet store near me coming from. Canada Goose sale

My mind is deciding to add insult to injury by reminding me of the old pictures I found on his camera. Why? Why do that, mind? But I can’t control it. It’s like a ferocious dog tracking the scent of weakness. There it is, shake it out until it’s neck snaps. POP!

My, oh my. If ever I thought that maybe I could surface from this, I’m sure that this post clearly shows otherwise.

The other problem is, once I start feeling abandoned, insecure, not listened to, helpless, trapped. My mind kicks into “protective mode”, in which the characteristics described above become survival instincts and rather good ones at that. The coat of armor locks around my heart and my mind starts spouting off all of the reasons why I am better off alone. So, being in a stable, loving relationship SUDDENLY turns into an absolute shitshow.

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canada goose black friday sale My mind is feeding me examples of canada goose uk site why none of the above is true (there is a glimmer of my rational self left that is refuting that and telling me that even though I can’t see it right now, those things are still true about him). I mean, I know that he is still who he is and all of the above still apply to him (in the past, I have been “fooled”, but this is not one of those times, I know that much) the canada goose outlet jackets thing is that my reality is I am not able to feel those things and rest my racing mind on examples from the heart. I cannot feel that he puts me first or that he understands just how deeply I feel things. I have nothing to rest my canada goose outlet niagara falls mind on because my heart is closed off with that protective armor all around it. canada goose black friday sale

So my brain takes over and it mad dogs everything. Obliterates whatever is in its path in order to make sure I don’t get my heart hurt. Meanwhile, my heart hurts! It is shriveling up inside of its armored shell, no love coming or going. This is pain!

canada goose clearance sale I think my mind assumes we’d be better off without the heart. Because, in the canada goose outlet toronto past, I have been manipulated and lied to and caught with an open heart only to get burned. I’m talking about starting from day 1. Then repeating and repeating until here I am now, reacting and repeating the cycle only now I am doing it all on my own. canada goose clearance sale

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What can I ask of him? He asks me how he can help, knowing that there is nothing he can do. At least that is what my mind is telling me. My brain needs to take over and find some solutions. canada goose outlet in canada I am a problem solver in every other area of my life except for this one. The solution coming from my mind is CUT AND RUN. canada goose outlet reviews But that is what I would have done if this wasn’t real. If this wasn’t the best person I ever met and wanted to be with for the rest of my life. How can I say that and not know it? My heart pipes up, my brain sneaks in. But my mind squashes all hope.